You should give feedback like a teacher
I hate it when someone says I did a great job.
Great Job
What does that mean? Why was my job so great? What boxes did it tick off? How great is it compared to other efforts you have seen? There is no true love in this world is there?
These are all the questions that come rushing through my head whenever I receive some feedback. And it happens more often than not. Even outside of professional settings, we are always providing feedback for the people around us. We just don’t acknowledge it.
You liked your friend’s meal? You might say “this tastes good.” That’s feedback. You appreciated your friend consoling you after a bad breakup? That’s some feedback. You called Donald Trump trash for the 5th time this day? You just provided some feedback.
And sometimes that feedback is fine. Sometimes we don’t need long drawn out explanations for why we feel the way we feel. Hell, sometimes WE don’t even know why we feel the way we feel. But sometimes isn’t enough.
If you want to show your friends and loved ones you care, it helps to tell them why you care. When teachers provide feedback, we usually follow a few core principles that I am sure I will butcher right now.
First, you really should start with positive feedback. I know this comes off as disingenuous, especially if the person in question did a terrible job. But when someone is in a negative headspace, I have never found negativity to be an effective tool to jolt them out of that headspace. People tend to know when they have fucked up and you belaboring the fact isn’t going to make them feel better about it. Also, the process of looking for positives improves your mentality going into the relationship. It forces you to ask what is salvageable here? So, don’t be an ass, just start off with what works well and then move on.
Second, provide rationale for your feedback. I find the most damaging feedback is superfluous positive feedback. It’s like when you were a kid and you received a participation trophy in some sport or activity you participated in. We all knew we sucked. A random good job isn’t going to change our mind. When we point out the positives in the way people act, it’s just as important to substantiate those claims with evidence. Replace, I liked this soup with, this soup is so rich with flavor, I like it so much. Replace, good job with: I appreciated you hardwork because of x.
Notice how I can’t give you a full script, it’s because you need to actually think about why someone did a good job, which goes to my next point. Teachers are constantly evaluating their students to meet their needs. I know that sounds weird, but when you provide your friends, family, lovers, co-workers, feedback you are giving them and yourself an opportunity to assess their needs. If I say, you did a good job on x, they may feel compelled to share their own opinions on how they did. They may even provide you some feedback. Meaningful feedback often invites meaningful feedback.
Finally, providing feedback forces you to think about why you are giving feedback in the first place. It makes you evaluate when you give feedback and you may find that it will compel you not to give feedback as often. That’s ok. We don’t need constant praise. In fact, becoming hooked on constant praise may be a generally bad idea. I think this is a perfect time to ask you all to clap for my story and leave a comment below). When you only give feedback when it’s meaningful, people begin to solicit your feedback because they know it’s meaningful.
So go out there and tell the people you care about why you care about them. Or don’t, your choice.